Love is in the air. Or maybe it’s desperation. Who can tell anymore?
In any case, yesterday was Valentine’s Day, when happy couples snuggle on dates, unhappy couples force displays of intimacy, and single people either ignore the holiday or shriek that they hate everyone who has ever been in a relationship anywhere at any time.
One thing that does not happen, however, is romantic comingling between progressives and conservatives. Recent studies have shown that both liberals and right-wingers “flat out despise the other side at almost unfathomable amounts.” Similarly, when it comes to Democrats and Republicans, the percentage of Americans “who strongly dislike the opposition party has gone up by about 400% in just the last two decades.”
Yes, the sole concept that unites all Americans is that the opposing political view is pure evil—similar to how the only thing that all religions agree upon is that everybody else is going to hell, but that’s another story.
Now, we all know that romantic comedies start with two people who despise each other at first, but then fall head over heels within 90 minutes. In real life, however, people who hate one another tend to maintain that revulsion.
So we shouldn’t be surprised when surveys reveal that over 70 percent of Democrats would never date a Trump voter, most likely because “bigotry just isn’t sexy, and few people seek partners who don’t acknowledge their full humanity,” which is what a progressive woman would have to do if she inexplicably dated a Trump-supporting man.
However, despite the mutual loathing that liberals and conservatives have for one another, Republicans are somewhat more willing to get with a progressive than vice versa. In fact, GOP men are more likely than other demographics to gloss over political issues, because “when access to sex is at stake, conservatives get downright socialist real fast.”
Yes, right-wing guys are happy to go online and insist “that progressive, feminist Democratic voters are ugly, unlovable harpies, simultaneously sexless and slutty, and destined to die alone with their cats.” But all that is out the window if there is even the slightest chance that a femi-Nazi would jump into bed with them.
For some reason, progressive women who want to control their own bodies are refraining from getting physical with angry men who want to control their bodies. What are the odds?
Conservative guys have noticed, and they are taking it personally. But if you ask GOP men why they can’t get a date, “the fault lies not with the people who hold noxious views, but with those who have the temerity to not want to get naked with them.” Conservative men will certainly not consider, for even a moment, that when “a critical mass of people find your values regressive, your political beliefs inhumane, and your political hero repellent,” it’s not exactly a turn-on.
Really, what’s a lonely neo-fascist to do?
Well, they can cheer themselves up with the thought that women who refuse to kiss sociopathic authoritarians are “a solid example of the free market that conservatives hold so dear.” After all, many women look at guys in MAGA hats, and think, “I can do better.”
This Valentine’s Day, very few progressive women will go on romantic dates with hyper-controlling men who want to grab them by the, well, you know where. So obviously, Cupid has a liberal agenda.
Featured image by Denise Cross Photography/CC BY-NC 2.0