Night of the Liberal Dead

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I’m not down with labels to begin with, but I still hate it when somebody claims a label they have no right to claim. Christian is the obvious example, clearly: a lot of so-called Christians are nowhere near Christlike. But you also shouldn’t be allowed to call yourself a “Democrat” if you’re for Wall Street, or a “Chicagoan” if you’re from Rockford.

This isn’t only what I think, I’m talking natural laws here.

So if we want to straighten things out in this country, or begin to at least—and we desperately need to compose ourselves a little if we’re ever going to start facing what’s really looking to kill us—then let’s begin by having somebody tell our woke liberal friends to wake up already and admit they’re not so liberal.

They’re for rights, sure, but only of the social kind which force everybody to be polite, not the personal kind which let everybody be free. Under the woke’s watchful eye, someone can make you refer to him/her/them/it with the pronoun of his/her/their/its choosing, but you yourself can’t say whatever you want around one of these social-justice Stalinists. You can’t even admit to thinking whatever you want. Their freedom is the freedom to limit your freedom—but for a good cause, they promise!

A guy can’t question anything the liberal dead say or believe. He can’t question, for one, whether a trans woman should be allowed to compete against biological women in sports, namely blood sports. He can’t even use the phrase biological women. He has no right, the transphobic right-wing cistard!

A young lady can never, not ever, use the word niggerspicfagfat, or retarded, for any reason besides the most confined academic purposes, no matter how many times other people have used said words against her at Walmart. Still how dare she, the racist, homophobic, fat-shaming… Cancel her!!! Destroy her and anybody she’s ever been seen with, anybody you’ve ever heard her mention! Dig through her past tweets, scour her Facebook and Instagram, gather a digital dossier against her! Then disappear her! Make sure no one hears anything she has to say ever again!

The wrath of the woke is as liberal as the guillotine. Robespierre would’ve been the Tyson of Twitter.

For a hot minute, anyway.

You might’ve recently heard the moans of these sleepwalking liberals over Joe Rogan’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Joe’s a comedian, UFC commentator, hosts the most popular podcast in America, into psychedelics and bow hunting—and apparently he’s a racist too because he says “nigger” a lot, or at all. Nobody’s been allowed to say “nigger” in this country since Obama got rid of racism, not under any circumstances or in any context, especially if they’re not black—and if they are black, only if they say the word while rhyming and wearing a big gold chain. Now that racism’s dead, we can’t have people saying “nigger” or else racism will spring back to life, just as people saying “air” is what created our atmosphere. Anyone who says “nigger”—and who can’t rap—is automatically an unrepentant and irredeemable racist. There’s nothing else to debate, so don’t even think of debating, or else you’re a racist.

The liberal dead also say Joe Rogan’s a transphobe for thinking trans women—women who used to be men—shouldn’t be allowed to ground-and-pound regular women—they call them “cis women” now—in the Octagon. The way these progressive Puritans see it, Caitlyn Jenner could cocksmack her ex-wife in the middle of Fifth Avenue and it would merely be a cat fight (though definitely not nothing to see).

Think I’m kidding? A lot of them insist—and some of them really do believe it, so you can’t be too mad—that a woman won the men’s decathlon at the ‘76 Olympics.

Back in the nineties people worried about potentially having to put an asterisk in the record books next to the names of ball players who used steroids. Now they’re not even considering putting an asterisk next to the female athletes with dicks.

Imagine if the woke titans of Silicon Valley ever invent a way to read people’s minds. The liberals will be pushing for an amendment to make hate thought a crime.

Progress! Justice!

Orwell described how people fudge with the language when they want to control what the public thinks. Fuzzy speaking leads to fuzzy thinking. Most people think Orwell was writing against fascism and right-wing dictators, but it was the so-called liberals he really worried about. He figured the fascists and reactionaries didn’t stand a chance if the liberals had their shit together, and that fuzzy thinking was the only threat to liberal power.

He never even really wrote against Nazism or fascism, per se. He assumed any decent person could clearly see those fucks were the bad guys and needed to be defeated, just not at all cost, especially not at the cost of personal freedom. Because a person isn’t squat without personal freedom.

The right to think for and express yourself is the only consolation in this possibly meaningless charade we’re calling life. If there really isn’t any god, no afterlife, this is it, this life is all we got, and if I have to spend the however many years I got in this world thinking what other people tell me to think and saying what they tell me to say, exactly how they want me to say it, then I might just consider checking out a bit early and forgoing my complimentary breakfast. I’m not here merely to take up space, waste precious oxygen and stress about how I’m going to buy the bullshit I don’t need that’s destroying my soul and the planet with it. I was made to wonder and ask a few questions.

We’re called Homo sapiens, not Homo obeymotherfuckers. And I’ve already told you how I feel about truth in labels. Still, I’m thinking obeymotherfuckers has to be some subspecies we’ve yet to recognize, because you find so many specimens slouching towards Congress and policing social media.

Like the people pressuring Bernie to distance himself from Joe Rogan’s endorsement. Bernie can’t have his rainbow coalition of all races, ages, religions and sexual orientations tainted, say the woke idiocrats, by a racist, sexist, homophobic, right-wing transphobe like Joe Rogan—though it makes you wonder, at least it makes me wonder, why someone like Joe would hop on a train as plural and leftist as Bernie’s.

It could be Joe Rogan is an alt-right agent looking to weaken the Bernie Sanders campaign and destabilize the 2020 election, thus clearing Trump’s path to reelection.

Or maybe the social-justice berserkers don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to Joe and his millions of fellow travelers.

Lenin and Stalin dismissed the lumpens in much the same way as today’s woke dismiss the Roganites, as fascists-in-waiting. But the Panthers and the Young Lords knew that, if and when the revolution comes—and the revolution is coming, as sure as fish jizz in the sea—it would be the human dregs, the outcasts, the misunderstood, those despised on all sides, those who have nothing to lose by thinking for themselves, no 401(k), no corporate sponsors—they’ll be the ones manning the barricades.

If anything, Bernie and the Democrats don’t want Rogan’s people joining up because they can’t be controlled, either in their thinking or in their actions. The Democrats are simply looking to recruit a minion army bigger than the Republicans’ lockstep legions. They want tens of millions of people jumping when they say jump, shutting up when they say shut up, and using “Latinx” when they mean “Latino.”

Power and Righteousness are the most seductive pairing since titties.

But if all of what I’ve written makes me unwoke, then so be it. Just wake me up when the woke do.

Hector is the founder and editor of MANO as well as the host of the LATINISH podcast. A Chicagoan living in Las Vegas, he's also the senior editor of Latino Rebels, part of Futuro Media, as well as a former managing editor of Gozamos, an art-activism site based in his home town. He was a columnist at RedEye, a Tribune-owned daily geared toward millennials. His work has been mentioned by The New Yorker, Good Morning America, TIME, the Washington Post, and other outlets, and his writing was featured in 'Ricanstruction, 'a comic book anthology whose proceeds went toward recovery efforts in Puerto Rico. He studied history at the University of Illinois-Chicago where his concentration was on ethnic relations in the United States.

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